Domestic violence involves a continuum of behaviors
calculated
to allow one partner to intimidate and control the other. These behaviors include
both non-criminal and criminal acts and range from insults, name calling, and humiliation,
to grabbing and slapping, brutal assaults, rape and murder.
Non-Criminal Behaviors
Demeaning, insulting behavior does not leave a visible mark. An
abuser uses these
tactics to control the victim’s behavior and
thoughts, to erode the victim’s sense
of self-worth and capability.
Threats to “take the children”, “turn you in to Social
Services”, or
“never give you a dime” do not usually meet the definition of a
crime.
Controlling finances or ruining the victim’s credit,
repeatedly calling the victim
at work (harassing,
embarrassing, sabotaging), threatening to or actually having
an affair, and telling
the children they do not have to obey their mother, are only
a few examples of
non-criminal behavior abusers employ to control a partner.
Criminal Behaviors
Criminal acts of domestic violence
include physical assault, assault in the presence of a minor child, domestic trespass,
communicating threats, stalking, harassment, strangulation, interrupting a 911 call,
rape and other sexual offenses. Assault includes kicking, punching, slapping, poking,
hair pulling, choking, grabbing, jerking and pushing. Assault charges vary in degree
according to the extent of the injury, the use of a weapon, and intent of the offender.
Unfortunately, over time people who live with an abuser often become desensitized
or “brainwashed” and do not feel at risk even when there is evidence the violent
behavior is escalating.
Does Your Partner
• discourage relationships with family or friends?
• criticize you for little things?
• prevent you from working or going to school?
• humiliate you in front of others?
• anger easily?
• accuse you of unfaithfulness?
• destroy your personal property?
• require sex acts that you do not want?
• hit, punch, slap, kick or bite you or your children?
• abuse or threaten to abuse family pets?
If the answer is “YES” to even one of these questions, your partner is abusing you.
Call Outer Banks Hotline for safety planning, options counseling, court advocacy,
safe shelter and access to helping resources.
The effect of domestic violence on children varies depending on:
• the age and developmental stage of the child when their parent is abused
• the frequency and severity of the abuse
• the dependability of the victim’s support system
• how others respond to the abuser, the victim, and the children
Children living with a parent whose partner is abusive may:
• learn violence and threats get you what you want
• believe people who love you also hurt you
• believe unhealthy, unequal relationships are normal
• worry about being hurt or about losing one or both parents
• have behavior problems, sleep disturbances, or difficulty at school
• believe it is their fault
• be mistreated by either parent
• become either the aggressor or victim
Services and Options
Hotline’s resources are available to everyone who suffers, or has suffered,
abuse from a partner. Each person contacting Hotline is treated with dignity, compassion,
and respect.
• Safety planning
• Shelter
• Accurate, honest information
• Options counseling
• Advocacy during certain legal proceedings
• Assistance with relocation
• Access to the N.C. Attorney General’s Address Confidentiality Program
• Referral to legal counsel
• Access to Legal Aid of N.C. domestic violence attorneys
• Access to Legal Aid’s Battered Immigrant Project
• Support groups for women and their children
• Court ordered abuser intervention group
• Financial and career counseling
• Case management
• Access to parenting classes and information
• Access to a network of helping professionals and agencies
There is NO fee for any of Hotline’s domestic violence services.
Prevention and Intervention Education
Hotline’s professional staff and volunteers are available to present programs
to groups and classes or informational displays at events. To arrange for a speaker
or Hotline information table at your event, call the business office, 473-5121,
or email
bryant@obhotline.org.
Leaving or afraid you might have to?
Some people might be telling you to leave. We know it is not that simple.
There are a lot of reasons a person will stay with someone who abuses them. Some
abusers threaten homicide or suicide if their partner leaves. Others make threats
involving children, other family members, or friends. Threats about money, fear
of having secrets exposed or lies told, as well as feeling responsible for the abuser’s
unhappiness and bad behavior are just a few reasons victims stay.
Being prepared to flee is an important part of keeping yourself and your children
safe. Do not threaten to leave or tell your partner that you are thinking about
leaving. It is safest to leave while your abuser is at work or otherwise away from
the home. A taxi will bring you to the shelter if you do not have transportation.
A few tips to help you prepare to leave include:
• Keep copies of important papers where you can access them – birth certificates,
shot records, social security cards, marriage license, insurance papers, insurance
cards, bank records, last year’s tax returns, vehicle title, food stamps, passport
or visa and immigrant status information
• Pack a change of clothing for yourself and your children. A familiar stuffed animal,
pillow, or blanket can help relieve anxiety.
• Pack prescription or over the counter medications and a list of your health care
providers
• Have an extra set of car and house keys hidden where you can get them.
Be sure your children know a safe place or person to go to for help. Promise you
will meet them there.